Our lovely little Samuel turned three weeks old today. I sang happy birthday to him but it made me cry. So I sucked it up and then sang it again. For the love of pete. What child wants hear his mother cry through happy birthday?!
Since Samuel has been so stable, the medical team has worked on gradually weaning him back from several of his supports. When I left tonight, he was down to 40% O2 ventilation (which has been as high as 100%) and down to two on his nitric oxide (from 20) without destabilizing at all. He's tolerating all handling and suctioning, although still under moderate to heavy sedation. The nurses and respiratory therapists who were in and out of his room were all thumbs up and "he is doing GREAT!" I can feel them rooting for him, wanting him to move on to the surgery.
Samuel seems stronger than ever and the blood cultures that monitor his sepsis have come back negative for two days in a row. He seems to have fought off the staphylococcus nasties! It will be up to the anesthesiologist tomorrow morning to decide if he is ready to go to surgery. Unless he destabilizes or shows some renewed signs of infection, I am feeling hopeful that they will give him the green light for this next step.
The nurse this morning bathed him and gave him fresh bedding (Nana's blankets!) and we put some lotion on his dry skin. Samuel is all cleaned up and more handsome than ever. He is still covered in probes and IVs and wires and, of course, the tubes down into his lung and stomach. The NICU haircut and the PICU scalp deformity (his head is pretty wonky lookin' from the swelling and lounging about) are not really the hottest looks in neonate fashion. And any other guy who offered as little affection and communication as Samuel does would not earn a second date. So how is it that I am so incredibly smitten with this little man?!
I've been reading Pema Chodron's "When things fall apart: Heart advice for difficult times." In it she says, "Like all explorers, we are drawn to discover what's waiting out there without knowing yet if we have the courage to face it." Her words have inspired me to take a new tack with my fear. It was not working to try to keep blocking it out. So I turned and faced it, said, "fine then, come along, but we're doing this anyway."
Just wanted to say hello, that I'm thinking of you and yours. And praying. And constantly thinking of you. Again. Some more. {{{hugs}}} Mx
ReplyDeleteCorinne--Sending so much love and many prayers. I'm always grateful to get more updates about little Samuel and about you! Hearing that you are reading Pema Chodron's wonderful book makes me feel so good, because that tells me that you are spending at least a little bit of time taking care of *you.* xo Maya
ReplyDeleteStill thinking about you and praying...what would we do without "Nana's blankets"??
ReplyDeleteVivian
It was not working to try to keep blocking it out. So I turned and faced it, said, "fine then, come along, but we're doing this anyway."
ReplyDeleteAnd that's why we are all so drawn to you. :)
And to echo Michael and UJ, even though we've never met, Chris- you are always in my thoughts and prayers too. Much love
Denice
sending loads of love energy to you and that handsome little man...He has a body full of the best healing medicine there is...
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday dear Samuel!
ReplyDeleteLovely you had the gift of singing his 3week birthday song. Life is about creating memories ... you are creating so many that will be glued to your heart and soul. Samuel will also have many memories of being loved in the best possible way. You are the definition of 'motherhood'!
In awe,
Dawn