The waiting game

Chris and I arrived at the hospital before 9 a.m. Saturday morning in hopeful anticipation of surgery day. We were holding Samuel's hand when we saw the doctor's collecting in the hallway outside his room. By the time we went out into the hallway to get more information, they were already dispersing. The doctors told us that surgery was called off for today. Samuel appeared very stable, maybe the strongest that he has been to date. His fever had not continued past that one high reading. However, one of the numbers on his blood work came back as a possible marker for inflammation. The anesthesiologist and the intensivist agreed that Samuel should not go to surgery unless it was certain that he didn't have an infection.

Since Samuel was doing well otherwise, the medical team planned to use the day to let him rest under sedation and see if they could wean his requirements for oxygen and nitric oxide. Maybe this was his chance to be even stronger for surgery. Maybe it wasn't a coincidence that he spiked that fever at the same moment his doctors were giving the green light to surgery. Maybe we were meant to know he wasn't quite ready.

Chris and I decided to wait for rounds to know more about what the approach would be. Samuel had a new doctor because of the weekend and, while Dr. Gilad is incredibly experienced and trustworthy, we wanted to be part of the process as much as possible while he got to know our Samuel. Our sweet, capable nurse Laura had some magical ability to calm and reassure us and we found ways to enjoy the quiet time together with our baby. Samuel opened his eyes and made some sweet sleepy faces for us.

Waiting for medical rounds to get to us took more than five hours. By then, the initial results of his lab work had come back indicating that there was staphylococcus bacteria in his blood cultures. They could not say what this meant in terms of illness or planning; we have to wait for the final lab report to come back Sunday afternoon. Samuel started on IV antibiotics. Surgery is on hold again.

If Samuel comes back all clear on the lab cultures, surgery could be as early as Monday. As Monday is a holiday here, there is a chance that they would opt to wait that one extra day so that they have all hands on deck for his surgery. At this point, though, we can't even talk about a new plan for surgery until those final lab results are available and we know if Samuel is dealing with sepsis.

Our big boys came back from two nights at Nana and Boppa's house. Zachary has a high fever and his breathing is fast and laboured. I lay next to him as he sleeps and I listen to him breathe. Everything feels a little extra scary right now. The fear is big enough that I think it could swallow me up. It calls to me and I turn away, cover my ears, sing "La-La-La! I can't hear you!" Wait. Breathe. Surrender.

Come on, our sweet Samuel. We can do this.