A helping of grateful pie

I have hesitated to write this out even though it keeps writing itself in my head. I am not hesitant to say thank you to the people I am about to share with you - only hesitant to leave out all the amazing, generous, spirit-filled, helpful, loving others. There are too many of those to mention. I start to think about it and I just become overwhelmed with the food, money, gifts and care that has come our way. Kirsten and Susan who organized meals from work colleagues. Carissa who put together been-there-done-that gifts for our ICU life. Roshni who took over my preschool volunteer jobs and checked in with me nearly every day and always knew how to ask "what do you need" in just the right way. Uncle John who was there for us both and who supported my stoic husband. Gary and Jennifer who could make me laugh when it didn't seem possible. Sandra for having Jakey over to play with Max sooo many times, including taking him from preschool at the last minute when I was in the thick of hospital life. So much love. 

And I am not even including my parents here because I can't imagine what I could say for the love and help they have given and the way that our relationship has grown through all of this. And I am not writing here to Chris or my amazing, sensitive, loving, beyond beautiful big boys. So yes, this is a helping of grateful and not the whole pie. But I needed to write it for a some of the special people in Samuel's circle.

Alison. Thank you for your absolutely endless support in all those quiet, practical ways. Thank you for listening and for stepping in to take a load off of me where ever you could. Thank you for being the goddess-of-all-things-food for many months. Even when we said it was okay to stop, bits of baking kept showing up on our doorstep in containers that were by then very familiar to us. Thank you for taking my boys at the drop of a hat and being that soft-spoken, fun, comfortable presence they needed. You offered and offered and kept me in the loop of your availability and were just plain *there* whether it was convenient for you or not.

That day that that you, Roshni and I walked back to your house during preschool, ostensibly just for coffee, and I got to talk and cry and hear that whatever support I needed would be there with no limits... thank you both. You really came through on that. 

My mamas... Maya, Sherri, Jessica, Melissa, Susan, Denice, Tricia, Annabelle, Jennifer, Liza, Andrea, Bridget, Maria. I have been with you nearly ten years in our online world of breastfeeding challenges turned all things parenting turned all things life and love. Thank you for giving me the permission to not breastfeed Samuel. I don't know any women who have worked harder to breastfeed than the lot of us. But I couldn't have pumped around the clock with three other kids for a baby who I thought would die. I would have made myself nutty and depressed if not for your stern and loving wisdom.

At our gathering in November, you held your hands to my belly and blessed Samuel. It meant the world to me, filled me up like I can't explain. No one has taught me more about parenting than you mamas and I am grateful for you walking this walk with me. Thank you Susan for the quilt and the understanding talks. Thank you Denice for the shawl and goodies made of your hand and heart. Thank you all for the music and messages that you showered me with.

The day we found out how sick our baby would be, I emailed "hold me up, mamas" and within minutes you were emailing back. Thank you for being there when I couldn't talk and couldn't turn to anyone "in real life" because my real life felt really bad. Even when I couldn't talk, I could write, and so over and over again, you have been the ones to receive my most raw experiences and pre-processed processing, my unedited and often dark feelings. And you held me up. I love you.

Lori. Where would we even be without you, my friend and heart-sister? Thank you for the endless hours of listening, for crying with me and praying with me. Thank you for offering your nurse-self and for being a most amazing friend. Thank you for being there when Samuel was born (and thank you to your husband who came home early from work so that you could get to me). I will never forget your face on the other side of the glass praying with all you had for our baby as he entered this world. Thank you for staying with Chris and taking photos and just being there to hold us.

Thank you for the gifts that just kept coming. Thank you for the Bible and the day that you sat in the hospital cafeteria with me and held my hands. Thank you for applying your most incredible shopping expertise, sussing out the organic crib mattress and the perfect stroller and the diaper organizer and a bazillion other things. Thank you for the the super-amazing diaper bag and for convincing me that I deserved something beautiful.

Thank you for the meals that you brought and for being the organizer of meals from so many others. Thank you for connecting me to Kim and the other lovely women in your church group. Without ever meeting me, they blessed us with their faith, sent gifts and meals and money for our stroller, prayed and prayed and celebrated each of Samuel's steps. Amazing. And that happened because of your love.

Samuel and Aunty Lori.

Thank you for coming to the hospital when I was so tired and convincing me that it was okay to go home because you would stay with him. I remember realizing that you love our Samuel, really LOVE him, and that you love me, and that is a most beautiful thing. Your friendship has taught me things about love that I didn't know. There is no greater gift than that. Thank you, heart-sister. I love you.

Samuel, you have been born into love. We are blessed.